So with tomorrow as the last day of class, I have alot to say. I was just reading all my previous entries to confirm my feelings from the begining of the year. I was right. I'm absolutely miserable here. I've been since like October. College is supposed to be about making friends, growing as a person, being independent, more freedom, and opening your mind. But this is what I've gotten...
Well making friends. Things started off great. The first few weeks of school were alot of fun. Then I lost touch with those guys and for a couple weeks really didn't have anyone to hang out with and shit. My roomate moved out so I was mad lonely (but happy she was gone). So I started going next door to Liza who introduced me to JV and Sydney. Well I've never met anyone like this girl in my life. Making friends is a process that I really don't like. When you first meet someone you dont know what they will be like that is the chance you take when you try to make friends. If I would have known what this girl is like I would never have become friends with her. JV and Sydney were better than her esp JV but now that I don't talk to Sydney it really doesn't matter anyway. I also babysat these girls whenever, wherever we went out and many times have been embarresed to be seen with Liza. It's bad when even other people notice this. Thanks Tom for that comment in the waffle bar line "youre the only responsible one kati". So why back home am I the one that usually needs taking care of? I wish I knew. I think cuz I'm with the people I consider my real friends I subconsciously forget to watch myself or something. However at the same time I have also taken care of people and don't mind doing it at all. But back to the dorm, pretty much everyone is a nut case, has some kind of complex and I say this without exaggeration. From bulimia (no lie) to getting coach bags on valentines day these girls are the epitome of what I hate. I've never been more fake in my life. Meaning I have to put on a fake act just to be civil with some of these girls cuz on the inside I just want to scream at them and tell them how idiotic they are 24/7. ok so bad luck with the dorming situation this year.
I should have tried harder to make other friends I've definetly learned that this year. I'll never consider anyone here a good friend. Except my rooomate probably. Cuz she understands me and feels the same way I do about alot of things. Thank god for my roomate. Honestly when she moved in I was so skeptical, she was kinda bitchy asking me to move in with another girl so she could be with her friend but in the long run I couldn't be more thankful for Brittany. She keeps me sane.
The whole freedom, indepence issue. This kinda boils down to I don't have a car. I come and go as I please back home with no curfew and plenty of places to go. Here I stare at the same 4 walls constantly, or on the weekends take a cab down to some shitty party that gets broken up within that hour anyway and I'm back in my hole in the ground dorm by 1 anyway. Now maybe this is me trying to hold onto high school saying the parties are shitty. Shitty cuz I don't know anyone and no one really talks to us when we go. I need to stop looking for the games of spin the bottle haha. I think the parties suck cuz even when they aren't broken up everyone is gone by 1ish and cuz I don't have many friends at them. I can honestly say 75 percent of the nights here I come home and say "wow what was the point of that". I've had a few good weekends, going to Castaways, the crew party (due to ashley and lindsay being up and playing flip cup for two hours with mark and aj) this past weekend owning Beta Theta Pi. And if it wasn't for spending around 300 dollars on nothing but alcohol this year my year would have been unbearable.
I really think I've met every terrible person here at IC. There has to be some "normal" people out there, I just have yet to find them. From the boys parading around decked out in fucking banana republic, abercrombie and then saying 'oh i just woke up and threw these on i look like shit' shut the fuck up you know you spent an hour putting that outfit together and then another 45 minutes looking in the mirror before you walked outta youre dorm. I've never been opposed to gay guys and never will be but please you make me sick when you can't be seen without at least 4 layers of designer clothes on. And the issue here isn't homosexuality it's the whole "omg i need to look good thing" but I'm having trouble seperating it which i dont like. My mind isn't as open as it used to be. not good.
Pretty much I've never quit anything in my life. Dancing I retired from and I hate myself because of that. I can't escape how it was my life. You know how bad I just wanna do some backbend shit but am afraid to because Ive already lost some of it and can't come to terms with that? I realllly hope Mr Jody does do the alumni dance. It would make me feel alot better. Going on with the whole never giving up thing I tell people that I want to transfer and they say "don't give up" or in Liza's terms "suck it up, grow up get over high school". I understand freshman year is the toughest year so thats why I'm giving it another chance by coming back next semester. I feel like I've already been tough by not transfering this summer.
When I show Brittany pictures and she goes "man where did that glow in you go, I can see why you are unhappy here" it just makes me feel better. I don't take care of myself here/care about my appearance. Which I dont like but I also say whats the point. I look at myself in the mirror and for the first time in almost 19 years I don't like what I see. My face is so chubby and blah looking. I constantly feel blah therefore I look blah.
So maybe I'm being completely over the top emotional but I just needed to get out these feelings that have been building up since October. I have so much to look forward to this summer. Being in two weddings. My cousin and Kristine who is pretty much a cousin/older sister. Both of which I wouldn't have dreamed of being involved in and couldn't be more honored to be apart of. My family means more to me now than it ever has. With my Uncle and Grandpa not in the best health I think it's finally brought us closer together. Growing up makes the age difference between my cousins and I smaller so hopefully I can be friends with them rather than just their cousin.
And to all my friends back home, I don't wanna think about what I would do without you guys. I'd probably be with the Cornell kids laying at the bottom of a gorge. It's weird how everyone says "you'll never talk to your high school friends after you graduate". Well in my situation I've gained high school friends and gotten closer to those I already had. Obviously there are exceptions somehow I don't talk to Jessy, and Lindsay as much but I still consider them amazing friends because when I do talk to them absolutely nothing has changed. This summer I need to see them more. Brooke, Rachel, Alicia and Julia who were my good friends for awhile I've lost touch with but it's the same with them. When I occasionally see them they haven't changed. As for the friends I've gained...Dave and Corey who have always been good friends Corey since I was 5 and Dave since like freshman year I lost touch with towards the end of high school but ever since I've been away we talk alot again and I couldn't be happier. And as for Christine, Ashley, Matt and Kaiser what can I even say. I don't have words to describe how thankful I am theyre in my life.
This upcoming week no lie will be one of the most miserable weeks of my life. Finals and just getting the hell out. I'm not gunna lie I'll miss a few things. My roomate. Aj. Mark. The salad bar. Tom's jokes in class. Aj and Mark, yeah we've hung out and had some funny times but I know that when they think of Ithaca they wouldn't think of me. Can't think of much else. Actually having alcohol delivered right to my door by Ciampa and Aj I'll miss. Ya thats about it. Maybe it's my fault maybe I didnt let other people in. oh well, there's always next year.
Last summer was the best time in my life. I worked almost 30 hours a week but I loved my job. And there were always my partners in crime who would go into work on a few hours sleep after a night of partying to do it with me. We'll all be really busy this summer. Trying to support ourselves working and what not. But we can't let work get in the way of whats really important aka lets just fucking party this summer away like no other. We deserve it and personally I fucking need it.
now that i got all of that off my chest...Lets Go Buffalo!